Monologue: School Toilets A Crappy Experience by Michael Soderlund...

So, you’re bursting to go to the toilet. Personally, I never use the school toilets unless it’s an absolute emergency, as going there alone is enough to make you feel sick. But, I’ll make this short: School toilets make Mc Donalds’ ones look like luxury suites. We start by walking into the toilets. The smell hits you like a bullet train at full speed. You would think that with a large open door, the smell would escape, leaving it smell somewhat tolerable, but no. You literally have to hold your breath. You could breathe through your mouth but you fear that would be as healthy as eating sewage. Then it’s time for the most important decision, Which stall do I use? It’s usually a case of examining each and picking the lesser of the four evils. The obvious choice is the one with the least amount of excrement adhering to the rim; but see if there’s any humorous graffiti there too, as it might take your mind off the horrible smell. If you’re lucky you won’t have to deal with the misaiming of others, or their inability to press the flush lever, but unless you want to end up EVEN MORE unhealthy, you may have to wipe the seat, or hang above the porcelain bowl slightly, grabbing the walls (Just hope they’re not covered too). A good way to describe the stalls on a bad day is imagine going into one of the cells from the Dirty Protests. Maybe not THAT bad, but still disgusting. So now you’re done, and you’re ready to wash your hands. Again, let’s hope someone hasn’t put anything in the sink. Best case scenario is toilet paper. You can probably guess what I would imagine the worst case would...

Innocence and Guilt by Daniel Dilworth Mar22

Innocence and Guilt by Daniel Dilworth...

I stared at the cold grey floor. It was dull and made me feel depressed. I had been staring at it for the best part of an hour when I heard a key rattle in the lock of the cell door. It was the guard, with the chef, who put a plate on the table in the corner.     ‘Lunch time, you bloody asshole,’ the guard said, spitting at me. It landed on my hair. I ignored him.     The guard continued. ‘I said it was lunch time, you bloody, ignorant asshole,’ the guard shouted.     I looked up at him. ‘As if I give a shit.’     The guard took his baton and stuck it in my stomach, causing me to double over. Then he hit me a few times just below the back of my neck. I hollered.     The guard grunted. ‘Now you’ll eat your food,’ he said. ‘Come on Clifford.’ They left the cell. As he locked the door he looked at me. ‘I hope you burn in hell,’ he hissed.     The sound of their footsteps dimmed as they receded along the corridor. I stood up and ate the meal. My legs were aching so badly. What a bastard!     The food – dinner – consisted of the usual: cold, mashed potatoes with a mushy carrot and a miserable piece of boiled beef. If you behaved you would receive an extra helping of meat and possibly some mayonnaise.     The average day was boring. In fact, the most exciting part of my life in prison to date was when I was called to court to give evidence, or more recently to appeal the court’s decision.     My lawyer abandoned my case following one witness’ evidence. It all went downhill...

Favourite Reads: “Harry Potter” by Aaron McCarthy...

At this stage to include the Harry Potter series in a collection of books that you just have to read is, admittedly, a cliché. The Potter saga is renowned across the world – many, many people have grown up with the enchanting tales of the bespectacled boy wizard, his gangly friend and the “insufferable know-it-all”. Therefore coming to review the Potter books is quite a challenge. How can one really do justice to the magic J.K. Rowling wove? How can one hope to accurately sum up the charm of these seven novels? I just don’t know. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to account for why the Potter books are so great but here are just some reasons why you need to keep those books on your shelves. Whenever someone mentions the books to me I don’t think about the things like “magic school” or even the plot of having to kill He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (‘ah go on’ I hear you say so all right, Voldemort). Instead I think about the characters. It’s the characters that have made the series so magical: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall, Snape…even poor little Dobby. Even looking at the names of these characters should evoke some sort of emotional response, elicit some special memories. All these characters and more are fully rounded,and you got to grow up with them; it’s something that no other book series (at least to my knowledge) has achieved. True, you get the books like Famous Five and Secret Seven that have many, many sequels. Yet these characters don’t age but the cast of the Potterdom do. J.K. Rowling has created a beautiful narrative in which you can spend seven years living with the characters; you can see them grow and develop, and as they...

Kid Cudi’s “Indicud” by Declan Malone Mar21

Kid Cudi’s “Indicud” by Declan Malone...

“I am the smartest man alive!”. Welcome to the twisted and dynamic mind of Cleveland, born Scott Mescudi, a.k.a Kid Cudi. With his highly anticipated album Indicud due to be released next month, many fans (including myself) are quite apprehensive and a little fearful of the possible outcomes. Why? Is it perhaps the dissatisfying result of his last collaboration album ‘WZRD’ with Dot da Genius brought? The switch from hip-hop to alternative rock proved unpopular with many of his disciples. I had my own doubts; it was undoubtedly a divisive record, but a rare one where it felt like the fans who praised it and those who loathed it were essentially making the same argument: we care about it because it was made by Kid Cudi. It’s a backhanded compliment, acknowledging that everything he does is a vital listen but also that it would be tougher to overlook the obvious flaws had it come from a new artist who lacked a large fan-base. The cover of Lead Belly‘s Where did you sleep last night for instance is a poor remake, reminding us of the movie Rocky Balboa – a completely unnecessary waste of time which downgrades the original classic. All that it proves is that Kid Cudi is a fan of Nirvana. The album is saturated with the rudimentary guitar, starchy beats and formless synths which just sound rough, lacking the spontaneity to we have grown so accustomed to in Cudi’s previous work. To call ‘WZRD’ a complete failure however is unfair! Fortitude is a rare commodity among artists these days, something which Mescudi is not afraid of showing. How many artists that you can think of would take such a risk in changing the formula of their success and try something completely different? The idea...

From Pan Am to Pan Am by Daniel Dilworth...

Pan American Airways, or Pan Am for short, was a massive American airline up until it was liquidated in the 1990s. Its headquarters in New York was purchased by MetLife in 1981. The MetLife building features as the Get A Life Building in Grand Theft Auto IV. Grand Theft Auto IV features Niko Bellic, who emigrates from Eastern Europe to meet up with his cousin, Roman. Niko fought in a war, which possibly is reference to the Yugoslav War. This war resulted in the independence of Croatia, Slovenia and Macedonia. Slovenia has since joined the European Union and now has the euro as its legal tender. There are seventeen countries using the euro as legal tender, including all five countries who have received the EU/IMF bailouts. The IMF, or International Monetary Fund, is headed by Christine Lagarde, the former French finance minister in the government of Nicola Sarkozy. Sarkozy lost the presidency in 2012 to the socialist Francois Hollande. Hollande was the first socialist French president since Francois Mitterrand. Mitterrand fought in World War II and was captured by the Germans. The Germans lost World War II and, as a result, Germany was divided between the democratic west and the communist, totalitarian east. Against this backdrop, in 1961, John Fitzgerald Kennedy made his famous “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech. This event was dramatised in an episode of the television programme Pan Am, which was based on the pilots and stewardesses of a plane belonging to Pan American...

Sport with Conor Canavan Mar20

Sport with Conor Canavan...

Firstly to soccer. The Premier League is coming towards its final 10 matches so things are getting exciting. Man Utd are running away with the title. Chelsea, Tottenham and Arsenal are going for Champions’ League places and at the bottom; teams like QPR, Reading, Wigan, Aston Villa and Southampton are doing their best not to get relegated. Luis Suarez, Robin van Persie and Michu are going for ‘top scorer’ and Gareth Bale will probably get Player of the Year. I think Man Utd will win the League, Man City will come second – Spurs and Arsenal to get in the Champions League. I think Reading, Wigan and Aston Villa will get relegated.   The Champions’ League is also getting exciting. Barcelona, Real Madrid, Malaga, PSG, Bayern Munich, Borrusia Dortmund, Galatasaray and Juventus have all made it to the quarter finals. I think Real Madrid will win because they have a strong squad and they have players like Ronaldo, Ozil, Benzema and Ramos so I think they’ll win it but it will be close.   Now to GAA.  The Allianz National Leagues have started. After 2 matches, Cork are top of the hurling with a win over Tipperary and a draw with Waterford. After 4 matches, Cork are mid-table in football with losses to Dublin and Kildare and wins over Down and Tyrone. Cork have a new jersey sponsored by Chill Insurance. The Cork U-21 footballers won their Munster quarter final against Kerry 0-14 to 2-07. I was at the match and it was very exciting because Cork nearly threw it away at the end. They will now play Tipp in the semi-final. At this time of year, training is a nightmare for GAA players because you mostly do running but it’s all worth it...

Favourite Reads: “What are You Looking at? 150 years of modern art in the blink of an eye” by Will...

Gompertz has written a miracle of a book if only for its sheer enjoyment. He takes modern art and opens it like a birthday present and you just love getting it. I love everything about it: its bright cover; its neat font; the colour plates (not so much the b&w ones!); the subject matter; the fluid expression; the personable manner with which he writes. The story begins with a coterie of disgruntled, bored artists in Paris seeking to challenge the artistic orthodoxy of the day as exemplified by the Acadamie des Beaux Arts. This was the stuffy edifice that decided what was and wasn’t art. Monet and Delacroix painted en plein air (outside) which is considered normal enough now but was something of an aberration then. Delacroix used unmixed colours: think of his Liberty Leading the People which so upset the French Monarchy of the day for being a little too republican in tone. Then you have Gustave Courbet’s The Origin of the World. Even now this raises eyebrows. His model was alleged to have been an Irishwoman named Joanna Hiffernan. The painting shows…erm, her nether regions in a way that, shall we say, leaves little to the imagination. It was supposedly commissioned by Khalil-Bey, a Turkish-Egyptian diplomat, who kept it behind a curtain. Suffice to say, Courbet causes waves. Manet combined Delacroix’s skill with Courbet’s realism and made The Absinthe Drinker, a portrait of a bum in Paris. The subject matter, to say nothing of the style, upset the Academie. But Manet had his fans. Baudelaire was one. He argued that proper art should be about modern life as it is. What could be more natural nowadays? Baudelaire advocated the lifestyle of a flaneur, a traveller, a man-about-town, living amongst the ordinary folk,...

Favourite Reads: “A Little Aloud” edited by Angela MacMillan...

This gem of a book is part of the The Reader Organisation (TRO). They run a Get into Reading programme to encourage those who may not otherwise read to do so by giving them the option of listening to others read for them. These recipients may include the mentally or chronically ill, those living in deprived areas, prisoners,  recovering addicts and a whole range of others. The TRO argues that literature speaks to us all. It started in Liverpool but is now running in Australia and elsewhere. The Foreword is written by Blake Morrison, an accomplished writer and patron of the TRO. In it he recounts how he asked the writer Doris Lessing, “What does it all mean?” Lessing answered with a question of her own: “What are human beings for?” He pursues this question and asserts that making meaning is a human trait, a need: “We are stories.” I read the poem “For a Five-Year-Old” by Fleur Adcock with a class. It’s about a snail; the child sees the snail and the parent advises to remove it so that it won’t be crushed. The child agrees and the agreement is as natural as anything else the child might do upon the suggestion of the parent, like having something to eat or a bath. But the speaker realises something: “I see, then, that a kind of faith prevails:/your gentleness is moulded still by words/ from me”. However that same voice admits to acts of terrible cruelty: “[I] have trapped mice and shot wild birds/[…] drowned your kittens”. The child simply wants to look at the snail. His response is curiousity. The parent teaches the child to dispose of the creature all the while living hypocritically: “But that is how things are: I am your...

Favourite Reads: “The Remains of the Day” by Kazuo Ishiguro...

“But all in all, I can see no genuine reason why I should not undertake this trip.” This novel is extraordinary for its narrative voice. It is Mr Stevens and it is 1956; he is due a few days off and is planning a very English-style holiday involving guest houses and suitable costumes as well as ensuring he’s presented appropriately given that he represents Darlington Hall. The trip is a major affair and everthing has to be carefully considered. Even the offer by his employer Mr Faraday to allow the trip and to cover the cost of fuel is analysed in depth. We quickly learn that the trip is not so simple as it initially seemed: there’s a Mrs Kenton who now lives elsewhere due to marriage but is an erstwhile colleague of Stevens’. The latter suggests rehiring her as there is a paucity of good help at Darlington. Mr Faraday jokes with Stevens about his motives and Stevens is mortified. Stevens isn’t au fait with “banter”: indeed he seems very much ill-at-ease with it. Most of the novel is told in retrospect. We see a forgotten (by some) world where duty is everything. This is very evident in the personage of Stevens’ father. Both men are English to the core.  Living up to this standard is perhaps what ensures that he remains – for the duration of the story – uptight, quietly desperate and somehow vaguely attenuated. Mr Stevens and his colleague Mr Graham disagree on the subject of dignity. The latter believes it to be an innate quality like a woman’s beauty, while Stevens believes it’s something that can be pursued and perfected over time. He opines that his father had this rare and essential dignity in the sense he wasn’t just...

Monologue: Deep Water...

In the deepest reaches of the most terrifyingly dark and frozen seas there are fish. They exist in a murk, hellish in human terms and offensive to any mind covetous of warmth and love. Here, life – if you can call it that – is brutal and greedy, short and snappy and devoid of all compassion. And yet some power, some higher authority that many may choose to identify as God, has decreed that life will thrive; not only will it thrive, but it will do so in the most fantastical way, in bright, absurd colour and unique shapes, fish that are unlike anything familiar to us and to most fishermen. The weight of the black ocean above them is enough to crush a blue whale which, impossibly, wanders through such an oily-cold and remote garden of death. A man, were he to sink from the surface toward this demesne at the speed at which he would walk on a sidewalk in a busy city street, would travel like that for hours before he’d reach the deepest, furthest mountain valley of the dark, though, of course, he would implode long before journey’s end. His body would be crushed. Even the best, most intrepid divers have reached a depth of only seventy metres or so. And besides, if sheer physics doesn’t kill you, chemistry might: oxygen turns poisonous under high pressure. Funny how that which ensures our life can take it when circumstances change. R.H....

A Gem

A gem: It’s what he called you, And in a thrice I saw visits to bookshops On rainy Saturdays; Our covetous, inquiring minds Devouring the day. But you pushed your advantage Thinking I’d come running. I witnessed a trampling: It wasn’t funny, though you laughed. That, I witnessed. Now I read alone....

The Grass is on Fire by Aaron McCarthy Mar20

The Grass is on Fire by Aaron McCarthy...

  Tineland is a country covered in grass. There are no roads or footpaths, the whole country is one giant field. The shops, schools and everything else are all located on this fiery mass and people get around by foot, land rovers, tractors and even on horseback. I could of course tell you how this country came to be and point out that it’s in Europe but this is no history lesson, nor is it a geography class; this is a story, a true story involving a guy named Rhys. ‘Must you really cancel the holidays?’ the beautiful blonde Glenda Eshen asked, sitting upright in bed. ‘Yes,’ her husband, who had long dark locks, replied. He pulled back the quilt and got out of bed. ‘But Rhys please,’ Glenda urged ‘can’t you do something? You are, after all, the manager; can’t you get someone else to do the work for you?’ Rhys looked at her and shook his head. ‘No,’ he lied. ‘There really is nothing I can do.’ He looked into his wife’s pale blue eyes, picked up on the suspicion and grinned – divorce was inevitable. ‘Bye,’ he said after changing into his pinstripe suit. ‘Goodbye,’ Glenda gave a mock smile and Rhys left the room. On his way to work in his new Range Rover, Rhys stopped by the local newsagents. Drumming his bare fingers along the newspaper stand, Rhys picked out “The Tineland Times” and brought it to the cash desk where a tall, fit young woman with sallow skin and long chestnut-coloured hair was giving a dazzling, professional smile. ‘Hello,’ she beamed at him. She took a look at the newspaper and nodded. ‘That will be one Aurum twenty five.’ ‘A pack of fags too please,’ Rhys said and...

From Simple Minds to Simple Minds by Daniel Dilworth...

Simple Minds were a Scottish band who had a big hit in 1989 called Belfast Child, which was about The Troubles and was set to the tune of She Moved Through the Fair. Sinead O’Connor performed this song on the soundtrack to Michael Collins, which starred Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson appeared in The Phantom Menace, the first film in the sequence of Star Wars films. Star Wars was the brainchild of George Lucas, who released the first film, A New Hope, in 1977. This film, along with Indiana Jones, made Harrison Ford a household name. Ford appeared in a minor role in the film Apocalypse Now, which starred Martin Sheen. Martin’s son, Emilio Estevez, appeared in the film The Breakfast Club, which is famous for its opening song Don’t You (Forget About Me), which was performed by Jim Kerr and his band, Simple...

The Master by SwagDaddy Mar20

The Master by SwagDaddy...

The Master follows Freddie Quell ( Joaquin Phoenix), an alcoholic World War II veteran struggling to adjust to late 1940s America. After losing his job as a department store photographer and then his job on a cabbage farm, he stumbles drunkenly on to the yacht of Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman) , leader of “The Cause.” Inspired by L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, Dodd is portrayed as a charismatic but controlling charlatan who takes an interest in the psychologically scarred Quell. Freddie joins “The Cause” and soon becomes one of its most avid followers, defending Dodd from cynics with increasingly vicious attacks as he tries to spread his message, travelling around America to the houses of rich supporters demonstrating his methods that he claims can cure any disease or ailment. Paul Thomas Anderson’s favoured theme of the father-son dynamic is very strong here, Quell and Dodd’s mutualism mirroring that of Daniel Plainview and H.W’s in “There Will Be Blood” , each heavily depending on the other. Lancaster Dodd announces that Freddie will be his “guinea pig and protegé” , thus cementing the relationship that propels the plot. The Master is at its best during the intimate moments between Dodd and Quell as they explore their characters, thoroughly dissecting them to expose Lancaster Dodd as a needy, seething con-man and Freddie Quell as a sensitive, vulnerable sex-crazed drifter who craves acceptance. Joaquin Phoenix gives the best performance of his career , embracing the physicality of the role with his awkward gait and twisted facial expressions, outward projections of his broken psyche. Although he is a hard character to like, Freddie Quell grows on you like mould on a forgotten sandwich in a performance you won’t soon forget. Mihai Malaimare Jr’s cinematography is fantastic, treating...

Ski Trip by Peter Fagan Mar19

Ski Trip by Peter Fagan...

I woke up confused. Where was I? I stumbled out of bed, scanned the room and tripped over my suitcase (How did that get there?). Half asleep I looked in the mirror. I had hair like Doc from Back to the Future and resembled Alan from The Hangover the morning after. It was only then that it clicked: I was in Italy. Staying awake for the previous 48 hours had done its damage as my brain took the guts of five minutes to recuperate. Dave, who slept like a baby the entire trip, woke shortly afterwards bright-eyed and ready to take on whatever the day threw at him. So, with the knowledge that prolonged sleeplessness was bad for me, Dave and I headed down to breakfast. At breakfast it was evident I wasn’t the only one who was feeling the effects of the long journey. I was welcomed by a host of students who frankly looked stoned. As we all devoured our breakfasts the effects of fatigue slowly eased. Dave and I had the task of organising the students’ skis and boots before walking them up the slopes. At this stage they were all ecstatic as all one hundred of them piled into the fitting room. Imagine rush hour in New York and multiply that by ten. The excitement was something to behold as the students eagerly peered up at the slopes and I took the first group up there. The walk up was hilarious as the students bore the skis on their shoulders for the first time. I had a few falls and one or two students, who probably weighed less than the skis themselves, swayed from side to side losing their balance with each sway. The ice-capped slopes crept into view and...

Try Hard by Ben Aherne...

There’s a creature comfort in a dark leather chair In a leather black room, Where one sits and unfurls and browses the world For news that does not involve you And people who do not truly know you Or want to. But then, nor do I. Monitors glow a foreboding gold and blue, A colour wheel of sickly hue, Like skin lost forever beneath the neon frost Plastering itself like a shameful paint Showing your stagnation. And with a violent vigour speakers sing their song; A melodious white noise Of a non-white culture. Apathetically and pathetically Sitting in the dark, Though the sun shines through the window, With curtains flung back in an act of defiance, I swallow the last of my drink, it has gone quite soft And perhaps so have I. My fizz squeezed out by the buzz of the day My mind sitting near empty like the glass of the bottle The remaining fluid sliding down the punt A futile effort to try crawl back up. Like a dog to its master I reach out But stop short and close that hand fast Into a fist, extending two fingers. Slowly, as I advance my hand to scratch my chin I imagine the wall with a new coat of paint. But I never did like that...

The Influence of the Recession on Car Sales Mar15

The Influence of the Recession on Car Sales...

BMW stands for Bavarian Motor Works. BMW sales have risen dramatically in the last two or three years. Paying low road tax for a newer car has influenced the car sales market. This means that people are choosing to buy from 2008 upwards because, while they have to pay a large sum of money for the car, they’ll recoup that money by saving money on fuel, tax and insurance. This too is an advantage because it protects employment in the motor industry. It also means that more fuel-efficient engines are sold which in turn means there are less greenhouse gases in our environment. It is great to see new cars on the road because, as well as being attractive, they advertise the styles and shapes that are available to the public. For example this 2007 BMW 530i with a 3 litre petrol engine would cost about €750 to tax for just one year. To purchase this car brand new in the Celtic Tiger would have cost about €70,000. 2007 BMW 530i 3 ltr   This is a 2013 BMW 520d with a 2 litre diesel engine. Its annual tax bill is €285. This is far less than the previous model. This car would cost €44,000 new, a saving of around €26,000! 2013 BMW 520d 2...

The Tom Crean Diary of Polar Exploration Mar14

The Tom Crean Diary of Polar Exploration...

Dear Thelma, Jacobs has diarrhoea; it’s pretty bad this time. I told him not to eat the whole cask of whelk ears but there’s no talking to him when he’s got the hunger on him. Scott and Palmer told me separately about their dreams. It turns out they are indentical except in Scott’s the nude dancer is a man and there are two grizzly bears instead of seventeen. I didn’t ask. Palmer looks blotchy around the knees. He asked me to take a look but I told him I’m not a doctor. He pleaded with me, saying that they’ve become quite itchy. He offered to give me a foot rub in return for a diagnosis. I told him I’d rather walk home backwards to Kerry. Cooper said I’d never make it. That’s Cooper, always the logical one. “Where’s all the fudge cake?” Bloom asked this morning. “We never had any,” Browny told him. Scott, ever the irascible one, punched Tawny Owl in the gut when the latter accused him of redecorating the tent. “Who cares if he does a bit of spring cleaning?” I wondered aloud. Scott brandished a fist and said, “You want some of this too, huh?” Then Cooper’s aunt, who’s not supposed to be here at all because her feet smell, admitted that she thought the tent could do with a bit of zest. Tawny Owl looked up from the floor and again offered to teach Bloom how to arrange flowers. Goodnight. I need some sleep and I have to finish reading my cook...